


show me yours i'll show you mine

by peonyseas



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College Student Adam Parrish, First Kiss, First Meetings, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, Skater Ronan Lynch, and a quarter life crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peonyseas/pseuds/peonyseas
Summary: Adam's having trouble sleeping, too stressed out from school and work to get any real rest. One night, when he just needs to get away, he ends up at a skatepark. So does Ronan. They keep meeting.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 8
Kudos: 132





	show me yours i'll show you mine

**Author's Note:**

> (Adam knows nothing about skateboarding and neither do I and these two things may be connected)
> 
> title from "savior complex" by phoebe bridgers

Adam couldn’t sleep. He’d been up till two finishing his essay and he’d expected to pass right out the second his head finally got to hit his pillow. The universe had other plans. Even though he was so tired it almost hurt to close his eyes, his mind refused to settle. 

It had been a stressful week. A stressful few months, really, if he was being honest with himself. It felt like the cycle of lecture, homework, seminar, essay, repeat was going faster and faster and it was finally getting to him. Adam worked at the campus library, as well as tutored students that needed some extra help, which solidified his life as a hermit and his entire schedule as a no-fun-zone. He had a scholarship, which allowed him to study and sleep and not much more than that. Unfortunately, he did have to eat also, hence the extra work.

The more he tried to sleep the less likely it was to actually happen, so on a whim he decided to go out, hoping it would get rid of some of whatever residual energy refused to leave his body. 

It was the end of February, and the sharp coldness of winter was slowly starting to melt into spring. This didn’t mean anything to Adam except that he couldn’t see his breath fog up in the air anymore. 

His apartment, small but sufficient in the way it housed a kitchen, bathroom, and bed - everything needed to succeed in life - was a bit away from the campus. He hadn’t had much time or interest to explore the area, more focused on getting to and from classes and to where the closest grocery store was. Tonight he had nowhere to be though, so he decided to go the opposite direction. 

His area was made up of mostly old brick houses with storefronts on the ground floors, and more street lights flickered and fought to stay alive than not. 

Adam’s restless mind and legs took him further away than he initially planned, until eventually the buildings became few and far inbetween and the street opened up. Despite the late hour he spotted a lit up area in the distance. It was pitch black outside, but the streetlights illuminated the air yellow; an oasis of golden light where the dark couldn’t get through. He heard faint sounds coming from over there, though nothing he could identify. If he’d had any kind of self-preservation he would have walked back to his apartment and tried to go to sleep, not towards the light and noise. 

The lit up concrete turned out to be a skatepark. He could see a figure in the distance trying to slide along what looked like some low rails set out on the ground. That must’ve been what he heard. 

He sat down on the edge of what seemed to him a large pool with a rounded foundation, a construction he knew was used to skate in but didn’t have the faintest clue what it was called. 

Insects could be heard in the tall grass behind the fence at the furthest part of the park, along with the skater. The sounds were almost calming, a kind of rhythm to the slide of board against metal and the thud of landing. Adam could feel himself growing tired, the stillness of the night finally seeping into his bones. The skatepark felt like its own little world where he didn’t have to think about school or money or himself. He could just sit and be. When he was ready to go home he couldn’t help but cast one last glance towards the skater, a silent farewell to his fellow night companion. 

\---

The next night wasn’t any better than the last. Adam had handed in his essay earlier that day, a small weight lifted from his shoulders until the next, and had spent the afternoon working with shelving the infinite stack of books the library amassed every day. He’d hoped that he could catch a break tonight and finally go to sleep on time, but the same restless energy from yesterday was still there. He hadn’t planned on making a habit of going to the skatepark, but afterwards it had left him with a sense of calm he’d been searching long for, so he put on his shoes and scruffy coat to head over there.

The skater was there tonight too. Or, he assumed it was the same one, since he hadn’t seen him up close yesterday. 

Adam had only sat down at the edge of the pool for a minute before he heard the sound of wheels on concrete rolling toward him. 

The skater was tall, probably around his age. The lights created shadows on his angular face that made it seem like something you’d cut yourself on if you got too close. He wore a dark green flannel shirt over a black tank top, a beanie on his head, and black jeans that had hit the ground one time too many judging from the rips at the knees. It was a little too cold for that kind of outfit, even if it did suit the skater perfectly. 

“I saw you here yesterday.” His voice was a bit raspy, as if it hadn’t been used in a while. Adam was surprised that he’d even been noticed yesterday. Obviously, the skater hadn’t been as preoccupied as Adam. 

The silent of the night and the eyes of this stranger roaming over him made him feel like honesty was the only option available. His tired mind could have something to do with it too, no place left in it for lies. 

“Yeah, couldn’t sleep.” 

“No luck tonight either I guess?”

“No. Not unless all of this is an elaborately realistic dream and I’m gonna wake up in my childhood bedroom tomorrow and have to get ready for school.” 

The guy snorted. “God, that would suck.” He looked at Adam for a moment, then made a gesture to himself. “I’m Ronan, by the way.”

“Adam.”

Adam saw Ronan’s lips move, mouthing the name to himself like he wanted to remember it. 

“You don’t have a board?” Ronan asked.

“I don’t skate.” 

Ronan raised his eyebrows. “You just hang out in skateparks in the middle of the night for fun?”

“Yeah, I really dig the ambiance,” Adam tried to joke. Ronan snorted again. He was surprisingly easy to talk to, and not at all creepy for a guy you met outside in the dark of night. Adam almost wanted to keep the conversation going. 

God, he was lonely. 

“Well, Adam, I’m gonna leave you to it then. Guess I’ll see you around.” He smiled, gave a small nod, then turned around and took a running start to jump on his board.

Ronan was beautiful. Even more so when he smiled. Heat pooled at the bottom of Adam’s stomach before he even had time to react to what just happened.

“Yeah, see you.”

\---

Two nights later he found himself heading to the park again, this time driven from his home by the insistent thud of the bass from his neighbor’s speakers. Adam couldn’t blame them; it was Saturday and the kind of activity he probably would’ve engaged in if he had either the desire or the friends to do such a thing. 

The skatepark was more crowded tonight based on the sheer amount of sound coming from the area. He’d somehow gotten used to thinking about it as a tranquil bubble where the outside world couldn’t get in. The flurry of activity came as a jarring reality check that other people did, in fact, also exist. He wasn’t sure if he still wanted to be here when there were so many people. His mind changed when he heard his name being called from afar. Ronan was waving at him, skateboard in hand. Adam picked up his pace and walked towards him, encouraged by clearly having some kind of a goal. 

“Hey, you’re back!” Ronan’s mouth was shaped in a lazy smile. There was a magnetic energy buzzing around him. 

“Hi,” Adam said, his voice coming out higher and more breathless than he wished. He cleared his throat and stuffed his hands in the pockets of his coat. 

“You spend a lot of time in a skatepark for a person who doesn’t skate. Or have a skateboard,” Ronan smirked.

“Well, it is a semi-nice place to go that isn’t the school, or the school library, or the school campus.” This piqued Ronan’s interest.

“Oh, you’re at the college?” Ronan wondered. 

“Yeah, second year.” 

“My friend Noah’s in his last year, though if he’s actually going to graduate is still up in the air. He’s the blond guy in the white shirt over there.” Adam could see the guy in the pool, the bright pink underside of his board visible when he flew over the edge, before descending down to the bottom again.

“God, that looks so scary,” Adam said, the words escaping from his mouth. 

“It is at first,” Ronan answered. “When you start out there’s always an unsure period before you get the hang of it. It’s really all about committing. You can’t doubt yourself halfway up ‘cause then your just gonna crash and burn. But once you learn, there’s no better feeling than the weightlessness at the top. It feels like you’re flying.” Adam studied Ronan’s face and could see the longing behind his eyes. 

Adam wasn’t good at recklessly throwing himself into things. He needed a long period of thorough and careful planning before he would do anything, and the amount of pros and cons lists he’d written in his life was probably a symptom of more than the need to see every side of a situation. Also, doing something where the chance of getting hurt seemed as likely as not didn’t sound like an ideal hobby to him. He’d had enough hurt in his life. Nevertheless, the sense of freedom, of completely letting go Ronan was describing seemed like a feeling Adam didn’t know he was missing until it was laid out so clearly in front of him. 

Ronan looked back at him carefully, before saying, “Maybe I could teach you some time. I mean, if you’re gonna spend time here might as well make use of it.”

Adam’s first instinct was to decline. He didn’t have time with pastime activities or handsome boys, but before he could say anything they were interrupted by someone shouting.

“Ronan, stop flirting and come over here, you promised you’d help me film!”

Adam felt his face warm up at the words, and it almost looked like Ronan’s was getting darker too. 

“Shut up, Noah! I’ll be there in a second,” he called back, then muttered under his breath, “Jesus fucking Christ, real subtle, Noah.”

Ronan scratched the back of his neck and dragged a hand over his shaved head, then looked up at Adam through his lashes. “Guess I gotta go. But I’ll see you some other time, yeah?” Ronan looked nervous, and a little hopeful. Or maybe that was just Adam’s own hopefulness imagining things. 

Adam couldn’t possibly say no to him. 

“Of course. I have to come back if you’re gonna teach me how to skate.”

Ronan’s face lit up in a brilliant smile, so big it was impossible to hide even when he tilted his face to the side. 

Something swooped deep in Adam's chest. 

Ronan went over to Noah, but not without throwing a few glances back, catching Adam’s eyes every single time. 

Adam swallowed. He was in deep trouble. 

\---

Adam kept going to the skatepark. Not every night, just the ones where it seemed like sleep was so far beyond the realm of possibility that it wasn’t even worth it to try. His classes were killing him and he’d taken on more work than he could conceivably do. His nightly excursions became the only time he truly had for himself, even if it was at the expense of some possible precious sleep. 

Ronan was there every time, probably suffering from the same ailment that kept Adam from his bed. They were talking more every night, starting out stiff and a little unsure, until the words came easier and they were laughing as if they hadn’t been doing anything else for their entire lives. For every night, more of Ronan took root inside of Adam, till his presence felt familiar, like it belonged with him. 

Ronan still hadn’t gotten him up on the board, although it was only a matter of time before Adam would give in. It really was hard to say no to Ronan. 

Adam’s afternoon class was cancelled that day and, like some kind of a miracle, he didn’t have any urgent assignments that needed his attention. Unsure of what to do with the sudden freedom he went where he always ended up nowadays, swinging by the closest corner store to buy two cokes on the way. 

He wasn’t actually expecting Ronan to be at the skatepark at this time of day, he was mostly driven there on the sliver of hope that he might be.

And maybe life wasn’t all bad. Exhibit A: he caught sight of Ronan almost immediately. Adam had learned the shape of him over these past few weeks, how his body looked in movement; the little line that appeared between his bushy brows when he was concentrating hard on something. He was easy to distinguish from the other skaters at this point.

Ronan was distracted today though. Nothing could get past Ronan’s cutting gaze Adam had learned, and it was usually he who saw Adam first. Now, he didn’t even lift his eyes from the board for a second, eyes stuck to it like it held all the secrets of the universe. 

Not even when Adam was right next to him did he notice anything. Adam had to clear his throat to get his attention. 

“Hi.”

Ronan looked up, seemingly surprised someone was talking to him. 

“Oh. Hey.” He gave Adam a small smile, though he still appeared a bit dazed. 

Obviously there was something weighing on his mind, Ronan’s usual energy subdued. Adam didn’t know how to approach the subject or if he even was allowed to. Sure, they’d spoken plenty of times, but never of something too personal or actually important. Usually they just joked around or complained about their respective jobs and Adam’s classes. This was uncharted territory. 

“Umm… are you thirsty?”

“What?” Ronan looked confused.

“I have cokes, if you want one. Coca cola, that is. If you want.”

Ronan’s face turned more and more amused for every word. Adam was glad someone was enjoying it, since he mostly wanted the ground to swallow him whole. And it also made Ronan seem a little more like his usual self, the version of him Adam had more experience with. He didn’t really know how to handle the restrained one. Not yet, anyway. 

“Yes, I would like a Coca cola,” Ronan teased, overenunciating the words. 

Adam rolled his eyes and smiled, gently throwing a can to Ronan. “Here, just take it.”

They moved to one of the benches at the edge of the park, a thing placed there for doing tricks rather than to actually be sat on. 

Adam hadn’t seen Ronan in the daylight before. The streetlights really didn’t paint the picture right. All the jagged shadows the night created on his face had almost made him seem dangerous at first, something the sunlight now showed was a lie. His eyes were a much clearer blue than he could’ve imagined. He looked softer. More approachable; more knowable. It really wasn’t helping the feelings that had started to stir inside of Adam that he desperately tried to ignore.

There was also clearly a tattoo on his back, its edges peeking out from underneath Ronan’s shirt. Adam couldn't help but stare, intrigued by the black ink and the kind of person that would put it on themself. 

Ronan caught his eyes, inescapable observational skills now back in order.

“What are you looking at?”

“What is it?” Adam blurted, flustered by being caught. “Your tattoo, I mean.” Ronan contemplated for a moment, like the answer was important; like he wanted to choose his words carefully so as to not say it wrong. 

“My dad died when I was younger. And my mom kind of went away with him. Not physically, but mentally. I didn’t really know what to do. I’d lost half my family in one go and I was so angry and sad and scared that I didn’t want to lose myself, too. So it’s supposed to show that, and be something to remember them by. I did it partly to piss off my brother, but mostly because I wanted to. It made me feel alive again, at least a little bit.” His voice started out slow, hesitant, as if he wasn’t used to speaking this much, especially about himself, but the more words came out the surer they sounded. “That didn’t answer your question at all, did it?” Ronan huffed, then rolled his eyes at himself. He was quiet for a second before continuing. “All of that is also why I took up skating. It was a way for me to get out of the house and think about something else for a bit. Anyway. It happened five years ago, today.” 

“Oh, I’m… I’m sorry.” Adam’s heart broke for Ronan. He only had experience of growing up with parents that didn’t love him, where getting away from them was the goal, a burden finally being lifted, and not the end of the world like it had been for Ronan. 

The edge of Ronan’s mouth went up in a small smile. “It’s okay. Or, well, it’s not. I have a hard time sleeping. Nightmares. But I’m working on it. And like I said, skating helps, really. More than anyone can imagine.” 

Adam had been really wrong. It was only when he hadn’t known Ronan that he’d seen him as sharp. The artificial lights at night had obscured his true features and the soft glow of the evening sun made his face look golden; illuminated from within. 

Adam didn’t know what to say, knowing that no matter what came out of his mouth it wouldn’t undo what had happened, or Ronan’s current sadness. His words usually failed him anyways. He could be there for him though. Slowly, to give Ronan an out if he wanted, Adam reached across the space between them and took one of Ronan’s hands in his. Ronan’s eyes softened, and he curled his fingers in between Adam’s. His cheeks warmed up at the motion, and he averted his eyes and moved his head towards the sundown, taking a sip of his forgotten soda. He could feel Ronan’s fixed stare on the side of his face, before Ronan mirrored his actions. 

Their hands stayed wrapped together long after the sun had moved down past the horizon.

Later, when Adam was in his bed, he could almost feel the ghost of Ronan’s hand in his, the thought of it filling him with a comforting warmth. He curled it over his chest, close to his heart. He didn’t have any trouble falling asleep that night. 

\---

“It’s time. The stars are perfectly aligned, the wind is blowing from the east, Mercury is finally out of retrograde: you have to learn how to skate.”

Adam only shook his head, laughing at how ridiculous Ronan was.

“No, you promised! And what better time than the present?” Ronan insisted. 

They stared each other down. If Adam didn’t know better he would have sworn that Ronan was pulling out the puppy dog eyes. It wasn’t working.

Okay, it was kind of working.

Adam rolled his eyes. “Fine! But only ‘cause ‘there’s no time like the present’,” he responded mockingly.

“Yes! Get over here, I’ll show you what to do.”

Adam hesitated a second before he put his hand on Ronan’s shoulder and got up on the skateboard. It felt more fragile under his feet than he’d imagined, and it was hard to stay balanced. 

“I thought it would be way more stable, don’t these break like all the time?”

“Yeah,” Ronan huffed, “if you’re unlucky you have to go through several a year.”

That seemed like a complete waste to Adam, but he had also never loved something enough to dedicate so much time, effort, and money into it, unless you counted all the hours of studying to get into college. As a matter of fact, he was becoming very sure he’d never loved school at all, not compared to Ronan’s pure joy for skateboarding. It was only a means to an end for Adam. Skating was Ronan’s life.

“It looks so easy when you do it, why is this so hard? And I’m not even doing anything yet!” 

Ronan laughed. “You have to shift your feet. Not like that, here,” Ronan said and tried to adjust Adam’s legs, which just made him even more unbalanced. In a panic, Adam grabbed on to Ronan’s other shoulder, and Ronan’s hands came up to rest on Adam’s forearms. 

“I almost fell, don’t let go, don’t you dare let go!” 

Ronan smirked, a spark glinting in his eyes, and he started to shake Adam. Adam let out a shriek of laughter, a sound that had never left his body before. 

“Stop, Ronan, stop!” 

He hadn’t even started skating yet and this was the most fun he’d had in a really long time. Suddenly, he became aware of how close their faces were together. Adam must have been able to count every single one of Ronan’s individual eyelashes with how near they were. He couldn’t help but glance down to Ronan’s lips, the wild smile that had been there all day fading to something softer, more gentle. Judging by the way Ronan’s eyes glanced down to his lips before quickly moving up again, he probably felt the rising tension in the air between them just like Adam did. 

Adam almost leaned in. Almost. Then reality crashed in over him. 

He couldn’t have this. Not truly, not fully. Adam was too preoccupied by school, and work, and making it through the day. There wasn’t space for a Ronan-shaped spot on the agenda. 

Panic filled Adam’s chest and he was struck by the overwhelming feeling that he had to get away from there. He got off the board as quickly as he could without braining himself on the ground, all while blurting the first excuse that popped up in his mind, “Um, I just remembered, I have a group assignment due tomorrow and I have to finish my part.” 

Adam hurried off, fighting against the urge to turn around. The fear of what he would see on Ronan’s face won though, and he didn’t take his eyes off the ground until he was at his front door, in the safety of his home. 

He couldn’t start something with Ronan. There were other issues that needed his attention more, the pile just getting higher for every day. He’d worked so hard to get away, to get to where he was now, that Adam couldn’t let simply the potential of something with this guy distract him from all he had fought for. 

Could he?

\---

Sleep wasn’t coming easier to Adam, now with his active avoidance of the skatepark and his internal turmoil. He hadn't been there for almost two weeks, scared at first of what to do with his own feelings. The more time passed though, the worse he felt about going there, the situation growing out of proportion. Really, it wasn’t about the place, it was seeing Ronan, and the uncertainty of what he was feeling about everything that kept him away. Adam was stupid for avoiding him for so long. The problem was that he still didn’t know what to do or say, even if he desperately wanted to see him again.

Currently, he had an afternoon of work at the library to get through before spending the night preparing for his presentation tomorrow. The best, and worst, thing about doing monotonous menial labor was that it was very hard to mess up, which left him with a lot of time to think about other things. He had two years left of this. The thought made him want to curl into a ball on the floor and never get up again.

Escaping his father’s fists and his mother’s silence had been the main force driving him for years. He didn’t have to run anymore. It was difficult to get over that mindset, though. That any small glint of happiness might be the last, with how quickly things used to turn sour. 

He’d been on the same path for so long, being able to clearly see the road in front of him. Then Ronan came along, and completely threw him out of his carefully curated loop. If he was going to graduate, and get a good job, and show he could make it on his own, he wouldn’t have time for a relationship. 

A small voice in the back of his head reminded him of the fact that he’d still seen Ronan awfully much when he “had no time”. It hadn’t even been that hard, most of it falling into place naturally. Still, he didn’t know how to be a good person for someone else. He was surly, and often distracted, words didn’t come easy for him, and when he was stressed he was prone to lash out. Ronan deserved better. 

His thoughts were interrupted by someone literally stumbling through the entrance of the library, blond head first, heavy book bag swinging around. Of course, since the universe heavily disliked Adam, it was Noah, Ronan following closely behind. 

Adam tried to spin around as quickly and subtly as possible. Typically, the movement only made their attention turn to him. A lump swelled in Adam’s throat. He tried to swallow it down, but to no avail. 

He heard Ronan creep up behind him, braver than Adam was. 

From the corner of his eye Adam could tell that he looked guarded, hesitation apparent in every line of his body, “Where have you been?”

Pressure was coming at him from every direction, while his inner struggle felt like a vice around him. His confusion was fighting with the joy of Ronan actually talking to him. He was not equipped to deal with this right now.

“At school. Working. Doing homework.” 

Adam could see his boss watching him from the front desk. 

“It’s just… I haven’t seen you around for a while. I thought maybe I did something wrong that last time we-”

“Ronan, I’d love to be able to talk but I’m at work and there are way more pressing issues to deal with than you at the moment so could you please just leave me alone?” 

Ronan’s face fell, hurt spreading across it before he was able to school it back to a somewhat blank expression. Adam’s stomach sank. He had been way too harsh, snapping for no reason, didn’t even mean what he said. He didn’t have time to take it back and apologize though, before Ronan gave a curt nod and promptly left, Noah looking back for a second before trailing along behind him. 

Shit. If he didn’t think things were able to get worse before it was because he hadn’t been able to imagine the idiocy of future-Adam. He’d really screwed up this time.

\---

The following week was even worse than the past ones had been. Now, he really had nowhere to go when his mind kept him awake at night, which was a state completely of his own making. It left him with a lot of time to think though.

Misery wasn’t a new feeling, but he’d never felt it to this extent before. And never infused with so much shame. Getting away from his parents and the shitty small town he grew up in had been the only way for him to be able to live his own life. Anything he experienced there in the meantime was temporary. It was more difficult to convince himself so now. At least the hurt had had an end date then. Now, it seemed like the waves of guilt and anxiety would never stop coming. 

What was the point of having everything he’d ever wanted if he was still miserable? Really, he’d only switched out his parents for college; school now the thing he desperately wanted to escape from. He couldn’t keep waiting on his life to begin, only getting by on the notion that it might be better sometime in the future. He had to just… live. Everything didn’t need to be a means to an end, he should be allowed to have things just because they made him happy in the now. Maybe that could start with Ronan. If he still wanted anything to do with Adam. 

He had to make things right. Otherwise, the feelings would eat him alive.

It was always a long shot to just show up at the skatepark, but he didn’t know what else to do. This would be so much easier if he had Ronan’s phone number. Though, if he’d had his number they probably wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. Adam cursed his past self. 

No matter how long it took he was going to wait in the hopes of Ronan showing up. And if he decided that he wanted nothing to do with Adam he would have to accept that. At least he’d know then. Still, he wasn’t going to give up without trying. 

He sat down on the edge of the pool, feet dangling down, like he’d done that first day. Just waiting, out in the open, showing himself; making it Ronan’s decision to approach if he wanted to. 

The sky was slowly lightening its blue hue as the night turned into morning when Adam felt someone sit down next to him. 

Ronan. 

There were dark circles under his eyes, and he sat with his hands in the pocket of his hoodie, its large size swallowing up his frame. It hurt looking at him. It was a relief to see him. 

“I’m sorry.” The words were quiet, yet it still felt like they were disturbing the stillness around them. “I really, really am. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. And you’ve done nothing wrong.”

Ronan’s mouth tensed, before he gave an imperceptible nod.

“Okay. Why did you stop coming here?”

“I didn’t have time, like I said.” He hesitated for a second, not sure of how truthful he was going to be, then decided he had nothing to lose. The worst thing that could happen was that they wouldn’t be friends anymore, and how different was that to how they’d been for the past few weeks? He could probably keep on living like that. Probably.

“My entire life I’ve been trying to get away. From my parents, my hometown, the person I was going to be there. Now I'm here, and I’m not sure what life I’m really living.” Adam sighed, feeling the weight on his chest ease up with every word. “I’m not trying to make excuses. I just want you to understand. Sometimes I get a little too in my own head. I’m not good at being spontaneous.

“But, Ronan, you came out of nowhere and turned everything upside down. I had this idea about how my life was going to go and I couldn’t risk losing track of it, I thought I didn’t have time for distractions. I’d been going around in this fog, surviving day by day, but only really living for some future end date where everything would magically be better. You made things bright. You helped me see that there were other things worth living for. I shouldn’t have to choose between being happy now or potentially being happy later. I need to learn to find things that make me excited to live now, and not just be content with the absence of bad things happening.” 

Adam’s next breath came out unrestricted, his lungs finally released from any pressure. He felt freed. 

Ronan chewed his lip and glanced at him from the corner of his eye. “Thank you for telling me all that.”

They sat quietly for a while, letting the words settle between them, the silence not completely uncomfortable. 

Even though Adam was relieved to have some of his feelings out in the open, he was still exhausted by everything that had transpired, and wasn’t sure he could handle giving away any more truths. But he owed Ronan all of it. He mustered up the last bit of courage left in him.

“Also, I was scared because… I like you. I didn’t really know what to do with it. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I didn’t know how it would fit in my life. But,” Adam said, “I want to make time for you.”

The tension was slowly bleeding out of Ronan’s face, and one side of his mouth twitched. 

Ronan made a point to catch his eyes, as if his next words were important, and to not give Adam a chance to escape from them. Their knees were brushing against each other. 

“All I’ve ever wanted was to get to know you,” Ronan said. “You could’ve just been with me, if you wanted, nothing had to really change. You still can. We could just do what we’ve been doing. But maybe at more appropriate times ‘cause I really think the both of us need way more sleep than we’re getting, yeah?” Ronan gave him a tentative smile. 

“Yeah. I… what does that mean though, in terms of you and me… like, do you like me or...?” Adam was unsure if he’d misunderstood Ronan’s words. God, he hoped it meant what he wanted it to. He needed full transparency right now, nothing was going to be left for interpretation. 

“Adam, I’ve wanted to kiss you since you so kindly brought me that coke. And you’re not all that bad to talk to,” he teased. “Yes, I like you. A lot, actually. Noah’s been a real dick about it.”

The edges of Adam’s lips stretched upwards and it would’ve been an impossible feat to try to pull them down. Everything felt light, like the thousands of bubbles inside of him were either going to lift him right off the ground or all pop at the same time, leaving him made completely of air.

A warm breeze brushed over him, spring in full swing; it was going to take him with it.

“It’s getting late. Or, early, really. Do you want to get out of here?”

\---

Ronan was in his home.

“It’s not much, but it’s mine.”

Ronan walked around the small space, gently dragging his fingers over the leaves of Adam’s plants, reading the colorful post-it notes on the fridge, smiling at Adam’s “WORLD’S WORST PSYCHIC”-coffee mug; seemingly fascinated by the smallest things.

When he was satisfied he turned to Adam, who was rooted to the welcome mat by the front door, unsure of how to proceed. The space between them felt infinitely larger than it actually was. 

Adam could see something come over Ronan, the same glint in his eyes that had been there on that last good day at the skatepark. He straightened his shoulders, took a deep breath, then crossed the apartment in four long strides until he was right in front of Adam. 

Ronan’s hand hovered beneath Adam’s left cheek before he exhaled shakingly. “Is this okay?”

Adam was only able to nod, words impossible to conjure. Ronan held his gaze for a second more, looking for something, and when he found it he moved closer, until their lips were touching. Adam’s heart took flight and plunged through his chest. If being around Ronan was thrilling, kissing him was intoxicating; he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to stop. 

Their lips moved together while Ronan’s hand slid from his cheek down to his neck. Adam began to wrap his arms around Ronan’s back. Ronan closed the remaining space between their bodies and pressed him to the door, not to trap him there, but because there was no other way for them to get closer otherwise. The solid surface behind him was needed, since he was struggling to stay upright with the way Ronan’s touch made him weak at the knees. He opened his mouth a fraction more. Adam felt Ronan’s tongue sweep over his bottom lip and everything inside him was on fire. 

Adam moved away with a gasp. The both of them needed to break apart for air, foreheads touching and smiles starting to spread over their faces. Unanimously, they moved towards the bed, tripping over the discarded shoes on the floor, laughing breathlessly. 

On the bed Adam lost track of time, only aware of Ronan’s weight over him and the pressure of their lips spreading a pleasant shiver through his body. Adam pushed Ronan’s shirt up in the back, wanting to feel his skin, to get as close as possible. Ronan got the message and got up on his knees while pulling the shirt off, Adam’s following closely behind. Without any fabric in the way he could follow the shape of Ronan’s tattoo across his wide shoulders up to his neck and then down his back. Their lips separated, chests heaving, breaths heavy, looking into each other’s eyes. 

“Can I see it?”

Ronan swallowed. “Uhh yeah… yeah.”

He rolled over to his stomach. The tattoo was so much bigger and more intricate than he’d imagined. It had big bold strokes and delicate details that almost got lost in the whirlwind. Just like Ronan. 

Adan put his fingertips to the back of Ronan’s neck and started to lightly follow the swirls and patterns down across the expanse of his back. It really was extraordinary. Ronan’s skin was soft to the touch, and the muscles underneath made the tattoo ripple, as if it had a life of its own.

“Um, unless you want this to move further you should probably stop that…,” Ronan said. Adam flushed, a little embarrassed, but also pleased. He groaned and threw himself back on the bed. Ronan propped his head up on his folded arms, looking at Adam like there wasn’t anything better in the world; the effect Adam had on him glowing in his eyes. Something burst in Adam’s chest. He couldn’t stand it. 

Adam had to cover his face with his arm to protect himself against it all, only peeking an eye out from underneath when he thought he could handle Ronan’s heavy gaze again, and the overwhelming storm of emotion that churned up inside of him because of it. 

They started laughing, not because anything was funny, but because it was the only way the neverending happiness inside of them was able to be expressed. The gap closed between them. Their mouths found each other again, though it was hard to get them to actually stay together when they were smiling that big, more teeth than lips involved.

Behind them, the morning sun creeped in through the window, warming up the life Adam had stitched together today. 

He could get used to this. A beautiful boy in his bed. A feeling in his chest that could almost be called something bigger, something Adam never had imagined he could have, if they chose to tend to it together. 

The idea didn’t even scare him anymore. 


End file.
